The Doldrums of the Winter Deserve Some Laughter

So I submit to you the works of "The Garfoose". If you haven't found this on your own yet, I highly recommend you browsing around his website and following his twitter.

Dirk Hayhurst may not have won a game in the major leagues yet (career record 0-2), but he does have quite the devoted following due to his writing and his wit. Only a reliever could adequately explain the origins of baseballs and what they have to do with legendary half-giraffe, half-moose creatures.

His book, The Bullpen Gospels, is due out next month. If it's anything like his other writing it should be immensely enjoyable.

Follow his Twitter for updates on his recent surgery (performed by Dr. Claw) to remove ninjas from his damaged arm.

His website has details and drawing of the legendary Garfoose. Enjoy the whimsy.

The One Where the Wasteland Trades Everybody - Part I

Since the “Trade Vinny” rumors are running rampant as of late I figured I’d take it to the next level (one more than 10. eleven.) Let’s trade everybody on the roster! Time to blow this puppy up! Scorched earth, baby! Why use a scalpel to trim payroll when you can use a chainsaw?

So after meticulous research (more than 30 minutes!) I’ve come up with trading partners for every current member of the Lightning roster. I took the salary cap into consideration and tried to make sure that the Bolts were left with an actual roster. In other words I didn’t trade everyone for draft picks.

This isn’t serious, so please refrain from the outraged posts. Think of this as of an emotional cleansing. If I trade everybody in my mind, I can’t be surprised if they are traded in real life.

Part I will be the defense and goaltending.
Part IIwill be the forwards.




Defensemen:

Kurtis Foster – To: Buffalo For: a third round pick and Matt Ellis. Buffalo picks up a big blast from the point for their power play (and a sometimes winger). Tampa gets a draft pick and someone who’s a free agent at the end of the season.

David Hale – To New Jersey. For a 3rd round pick. Hale goes back to the team that drafted him and the Bolts stock another pick.

Victor Hedman – To Vancouver for Mason Raymond and a 2nd round pick. The Canucks lock up a fellow Swede to go with the Sedin twins and Tampa picks up a young (cheap) forward.

Mike Lundin – To Nashville. For Cal O’Reilly and a 4th round pick (package with Mike Smith). Nashville gets a young defenseman and the Bolts shed some more payroll.

Andrej Meszaros – To TJ’s Sports Bar of the New Hampshire Center Ice Adult Hockey League. For: a case of Guinness and platter of wings.

Mattias Ohlund – To Colorado. For Chris Stewart and an unknown prospect. This was a tough one. Finding a team with room for his contract wasn’t easy. Colorado has two veteran unrestricted free agents after the end of the season – Adam Foote and Ruslan Salei. Ohlund would fit in contract wise and provide a veteran presence on the blueline.

Matt Smaby – To Montreal. For a conditional draft pick. He gives the Habs some grittiness on their blue line and they don’t have to surrender too much.

Matt Walker – Part of blockbuster deal that will be announced with the forwards. See that’s foreshadowing- it makes you want to come back for part two!

Goalies

Antero Nittymaki – To: Philadelphia. For: Brian Boucher. Philly gets a goaltender for their playoff run and shed some cap space for next season. Tampa gets a middle of the road goalie to back up Torkarski next season.

Mike Smith – To: Nashville. For: Cal O’Reilly and a 4th Round pick (package deal with Mike Lundin). The Preds now have a goalie for next year in case Dan Ellis bolts in free agency. The Lightning stock up another pick and perhaps a steal in O’Reilly since Nashville is a little center-heavy at this time.